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July 2009 
Fear of Relationship is not Always Wrong
Posted on Feb 15th, 2009
by 
Attainment
Attainment
Sometimes we have felt a great trauma in relationship and we need to be by ourselves, to keep close to our own soul. We feel fear at the idea of being in relationship again. This is not always wrong. People get the idea that the fear means something is wrong. Sometimes the fear is perfectly right. It is simply saying to you, "Don't get involved right now." It's not that you fear the new relationship, not at all. The fear is being misinterpreted. The fear is simply saying if you get involved in somebody else's energy, you will lose the centering which is growing within you.
You are becoming more centered after the trauma, you are settling into your being. You are coming to terms with your aloneness. If you fall into a relationship, that will drag you out of your center again. Relationships create contradictions and possibly you are not centered enough at the moment for this.
Fear can be really helpful. It might be telling you to stay to yourself right now. Remain alone. It is perfectly alright. When the fear is gone, and you have settled, THEN you can affort to go out! Simply wait. Listen to your fear. It will disappear on its own. And when your energy is ready to go out, you will suddenly be moving with somebody and there will be no fear. Your whole being will be with you.
Until then, it is okay to avoid relationship. It's okay.
You are becoming more centered after the trauma, you are settling into your being. You are coming to terms with your aloneness. If you fall into a relationship, that will drag you out of your center again. Relationships create contradictions and possibly you are not centered enough at the moment for this.
Fear can be really helpful. It might be telling you to stay to yourself right now. Remain alone. It is perfectly alright. When the fear is gone, and you have settled, THEN you can affort to go out! Simply wait. Listen to your fear. It will disappear on its own. And when your energy is ready to go out, you will suddenly be moving with somebody and there will be no fear. Your whole being will be with you.
Until then, it is okay to avoid relationship. It's okay.
Access: Public
Hi, Cheyenne.
What if there is no trauma, just fear?
Hmmmm. Maybe it is the fear of making mistakes. When we don’t know something, our ego functions strongly, trying to keep us in the known, where it is safe.
We either drop the ego, or we drop the ignorance. And it is difficult to drop the ego, so then it is difficult to drop the ignorance. We get trapped.
The only way to reduce the fear is to move forward with awareness. Even if you make mistakes, nothing is wrong in them. By the mistakes we learn. Nobody learns without mistakes. Go with courage! If a person makes a mistake they can always come back. And whenever you come back, after having made mistakes, your consciousness is enriched!
O, my, I smile big right now thinking of ALL the WONDERFUL mistakes I’ve made!!! Actually, I’ve almost only made mistakes!!!! Well, yes! Actually, not one thing has gone ‘right.’ Hmmmm… (big, big smile) But, O, god, they were quite delicious mistakes! Now I make better more skillful mistakes!!!
Many people simply sit at home and never move because they fear something will go wrong. And it probably will (big smile!). They feel if they stay at home they will not make any mistakes. But in doing so you avoid all those beautiful experiences life can give you.
MIllions of people simply miss their life because of fear - fear that something will go wrong.
And this is the only wrong! The only mistake is hiding and escaping situations. Stopping all movement, they never grow.
If it’s fear…just lack of knowledge of the situation…fear of the unknown…simply move forward with courage. Truth is always unknown. It takes courage to move forward.
Live dangerously! It’s the only way to live!!!!!
Live Dangerously….it’s the only way to live!!!!
I love this blog entry.
Much truth, for sure.
-
Personally….with relationship, been there = done that.
It is not out of a fear that I do not wish another, it is a simple not wishing another.
I am happy ‘alone’.
Oh, yes, Tharlam, I understand those words! I too do not wish another! Yet when another comes, I do not not wish another! I love when love knocks…and I am so good when it leaves.
As you say, been there done that…already was hospitalized (big smile!). Now nothing can kill me. Bring it on! Or don’t bring it on! I’m still in love!
Always in love! Being in love once with awareness, you are in love always. You find out it was coming from you! The other was only an excuse! Now the other can come or not!
Thank you, Tharlam!!!!
I like the part of pulling yourself together.. become “whole” again.
I want to add - by experience - that further on, not everybody acting apparently the same, has the same intentions, motifs. If you meet somebody trying to find himself and does weird things.. don’t assume. Ask. Help him to become himself. If that feels good to you, you are on the right path. If it doesn’t. Move on.
And let’s remember: if we bring to much fear into a relationship, we project that fear onto it.. and might get what we fear for.
We got to believe.. we got to believe in the goodness, in the fact that everybody just wants that one thing: to be happy.
And, we cannot change the other. But we don’t have to take, what doesn’t feels right to us. I do it this way: “This is what I can take, this is what I can’t. You want to do that, be happy, but I can’t”.
We don’t understand each other sometimes, we express things in different ways… let’s be open to really listen, listen to the real message, listen deep inside.
Love to all you wonderful beings!!
Silke
Silke, that’s so beautiful, thank you!!!!! Relationships have been so important to me…I practiced meditation for 20 years, sheer ZEN…sheer discipline, and only when I went full into love, into relationships did I truly grow. They never turned out, all that you write was there, projection, fear, intensity, love, misunderstanding…but through it all, I transformed in five years, what I could not do in 20. But, my god, I shutter to think of the intensities I’ve so happily experienced without a stunning sitting practice (big smile).
Growth is at the Edge! I go to the edge everyday of silence…and during the day, go to the edge of what life presents me in relationship. You can go only as high as you can go deep! Go deep - the high is worth it!
“O, my, I smile big right now thinking of ALL the WONDERFUL mistakes I’ve made!!! Actually, I’ve almost only made mistakes!!!! Well, yes! Actually, not one thing has gone ‘right.’ Hmmmm… (big, big smile) But, O, god, they were quite delicious mistakes! Now I make better more skillful mistakes!!!”
I have a big smile ( :D ) thinking of you thinking of ALL the WONDERFUL mistakes you have made. Does that make any sense? LOL :)))
Just reading this is motivating me to run outside and make lots of mistakes. Maybe I’ll make 2 or 3 or a dozen just today. I look forward to the day I make more skillful mistakes…
With love and gratitude,
Michael
Joanna, when the time comes, I will let inspiration be my guide…Or, I will just have to carry around a tiny book of quotes…LOL : DPlease disregard. I have been hoodwinked!!! ;)
Sorry,
I deleted my comment from above this one because I thought.. maybe it is inappropriate : )
I said: that from certain sources I know that you plan to make few hundred mistakes in the near future.. you need to look for those quotes!
Ok let’s leave the subject alone… eventually this is just an effect of our silly conversations and only we know what it is about.
Cheyenne! please forgive me for using your blog for private conversations! :)
Yes, right, Cheyenne! I lived for 5 years pretty much “enlightened” alone in this wonderful place in nature… no really,
when it came to relationships, then the real growth happened. Isn’t that beautiful!!
Ah, and they say: “Spend a week with your mother, and let’s see how enlightened you are”.. Mhmm… (No comment).
Michael!!!!! (big smile!)…….Yes! I do encourage you! Never miss the chance! Never!
A Zen saying: Two men tied up soon to be shot. The gunman asked the first man, “Do you want your last cigarette?” The first man spit on him and said, “Keep it, you murdering bum!” And the second man said, “Shhhh…don’t cause any trouble!”
Don’t cause any trouble? What difference does it make when you’re soon to be shot? But that’s the condition of us all! We’re all soon to die, so what difference does it make if you cause some trouble! Enjoy! Enjoy!
And, Joanna! Please, don’t be appropriate around me! Ever! I loved your comment! Thank you so much!
Silke! I belly-laughed! It is the meter, yes? Of all progress…spending time with the mother! Love it!
Great blog and sharings. Remind me of something I told my child once: “Fear comes like a friend, but stays like an enemy.”
As you say, let ‘er flow!
O, Meenaskhi! Thank you! What beautiful words you give to your child!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing!