Mommy and Son

Thank you dearly and so sincerely, Asteri, Kathy and Sajan!!!!

I am grateful for your beautiful words!  Very!

Oh, my life is a zoo right now!…..but I am loving it!  I feel like I am training for the Olympics!….I didn't realize what a joy children growing up would be.  This year is like no other for me!  Now the children are become active citizens and athletes!  Are being asked to perform at every level!  So exciting. 

But me?  I am dropping the ball all over the place (laughing!)….!  I'm having to get on my toes to keep up with the culinary arts, appointments, homeschool, work and love!!!….

I'm pulling my act together!

Thank you again, so sincerely!
with all my love!
Cheyenne

O, Amy, yes!  My little prince!….that sounds so beautiful!!

Thank you so much!

And very big hug back to you!!!!…

all my love!
Cheyenne

Chaitanyo!  Hi!….thank you!

Oh, Chaitanyo, you must see this boy's eyes in person some time!  Oh, God!  That is what I say too!….he has eyes like a giraffe!

When I carried him in my body, I was in deep worship of the Lord in everything!….so influenced by the Srimad Bhagavatam! 
When this baby was born, I did not call him by his name till he was over a month old, calling him “My Lord.”…..

And the day I saw him…..I looked at him and said, “Oh my God, you LOOK like Lord Krsna!”  And he acts like him too…always laughing, Oh, my!…or crying like the world has ended…over not finding his socks!  And I absolutely can imagine him playing a flute and girls dancing behind him for miles, and he not even noticing!

And Chaitanyo!  You are in my heart too!….In no-mind.  In love!  And I am very happy also that we have had this encounter!  I dance!  And thank you!

I look forward to many more interactions also!  And until then send you my heart!…always!

with all my love!
cheyenne

Dear Roamer, thank you so much!  Yes, he is shy!..just as you say.  I have five children and they are all entirely different - nothing similar.  I was concerned for this boy's personality because he was so sensitive and shy…until his sister came along! (laughing!)…

…now she developed a full-grown ego by one year old - demanding and opinionated beyond belief for her age!  Though this boy's ego was not fully set till almost four!…but with his sister's help (!) (smile!)…he has toughened up and became quite able to handle himself!  Such a joy to watch!

Thank you for your wish!  I sincerely appreciate it!

with love!
And a wish for the best year to you!
Cheyenne

Janak!  Thank you!  You have a talent for picking out the most amazing music!

And thank you for the silence…and the smile!

I give one back to you!

……………. :)…..lovingly!
Cheyenne

Chaitanyo, your words are beautiful…

I have been practicing lately as if my life depends on it.  I believe it does.  I do not believe we are in 'life' right now.  But sleeping.  And in moments of intense awareness of energy, of reality, of what is actually real and moving within and without and the brilliant light flashes breaking down the nervous system to meet reality, eternity..and all else that we are is false.  So how to practice (smile!)….embracing all.  Yesterday I was in a wicked mood…I sometimes move about town like an animal.  Feeling unsociable and somewhat hungry…watching all the faces.  See how everyone is controlled…I can feel the turmoil within..i can feel it within myself.  and I reflected, 'why resist?'…be in turmoil, why hide it?   Be hungry, predictory…discontent….then a smile!  A very big smile…everything disappeared in the totality - in the embracing. I just wanted to laugh! Embracing totally whatever you are…be it completely.  Sometimes I am so retarded like a small child - not a woman - so then I be it…I see cycles of animal, child, genius, man, woman, virgin, whore, divine, devil - meeting those moments, giving the ability to face the unknown as you are.  The beyond and the now..meet when the energy of awareness is at 100 percent! The embracing is 100 percent!  It is incredible.  Reminds me of jumping rope as a child…watching when to jump in. But you jump in totally….your whole body and soul…and play the game!  Embracing all!…living dangerously!…with a smile!
 
Chaitanyo, you are so beautiful!…I feel you from across the ocean!  Thank you so much!
 
Embracing all -
with love!
Cheyenne

Just Me!!!!…I enjoyed your words so very much!!!

Yet…(smile!)…still being me is not enough!  I am fussed at for more than anything else for being discontent.  Though I look and wonder - how can others not be discontent?..how?  Just being like a buffalo in the field, accepting what is!…

…even when I am full..I am reaching!  My resting moments are saving energy to strive beyond!  Always I feel the energy in turmoil. 

I see one can live peacefully without question…just acceptance, but it looks dead to me, like you already entered the grave.  I prefer to be in turmoil, striving, alive! There is possiblity of attaining an ecstatic life!  I have no way to heal the turmoil inside! All my life I have tried…!  So be it! 

My beautiful husband is a Christian Scientist..sort of.  He tells me always..God is everywhere!  I say to him…why do you keep telling me that.  You know it gets on my nerves!  Why do you believe such a thing? It is without reason.  God above makes you feel safe because you are afraid of being alone in the vast universe that you don't know what it is..the lack of boundaries scares you.  I happen to like it..this mystery - the intrigue!  Drop what you think and tell me what you know!….(oh, we fight so much!)..(it is comical….and somehow beautiful!)

It is enough just to be ourselves?  That is the starting point to me!  That is the place where life becomes a mystery!…surrounded everywhere by that which I know not..just a mystery! You can taste it, but you can not reduce it to anything you have!

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.  The beauty and communion has a maddening effect on my soul.

Thank YOU, Just Me!…Success does not arrive - it is an attainment of all that is - as yourself!…oh, oui!,  yet, can I contain it in such a small structure (smile!)…

…I am so happy to read your words today!…They are beautiful!!!!

big smile and much love!
Cheyenne

Nicole!  My goodness!  Thank you!  Very touching words!  They entered my heart.

I have so enjoy Gaia.  It definitely gives that perfect space for communion and creativity!  Right now I am at home, re-creating!….my whole family is need of new structure that provides the right space for the growth forthcoming!  I love this about the universe!…about life.  It's just an opportunity, an opening and it depends entirely on you what you make of it.  I am in such a creative mood!..wishing to re-do everything!

I'm grateful that nothing has fixed meanings, I can change them at any second!  I'm practicing now with energy and no-mind, not just for enlightenment, but for creativity - waiting on a direction, feeling like an eddy in a lake..spinning and gathering before flowing in a direction.

It is 3 am here!..looking at the moon, so bright!..It is so beautiful that existence is so spacious that it allows absolute freedom to be and do whatsoever you wish, whatsoever your capacity.  And with my cup of coffee here (!) (smile!)..capacity is growing!

Thank you so much, Nicole!…I was thrilled to see you!

with love!
Cheyenne

Janak!  You are such a Prince!  I truly enjoyed this to my bones!….to my bones!  Beautiful.

“True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.”    Oh!..I drank this like healing medicine today.

and…

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”  (smile!)…I know the God's must always laugh at me.  Because I will beg at a closed door like such an idiot, a foolish beggar!  I am the ultimate fool of love and romance…It takes me too much time to realize love is not there for me (laughing!). (smile!)

Thank you!

And your timing is so beautiful.  I arose from meditation, arose from such anguish.  I suffer so much anguish.  Not anxiety…I may be the most unanxious  person alive.  Never a concern for what to do or how to do it..that is perfect in my soul.  Everything works.  But my heart, my body and mind suffer anguish beyond what I can stand.  I sit for hours and hours everyday, aware of this anguish - sitting with a promise that if I enter it fully, it will disappear.  I will know its origin. (smile!)

And too I will remind myself 'this is energy..' move it, create with it!  let it become your hand! I have perfect health and love…do something with it!

Everyday of sitting…every prayer…every move is to say…”I love you God.  Please heal this anguish, this feeling of separation from you.” 

And then a dance of uninhibited love!….!!!!

Thank you so much, Janak!  I enjoy violin too!  So much!

I wish you a perfect day!!!!
with love!
Cheyenne

I read this morning about Kirlian photography.  So fascinating.

With Kirlian photography you can photograph, for example, the bud of a flower and it will capture its unfolding, its development.  It is there in the energy, already happened in the energy, before the eye can see it, capture it.  And within days, exactly has captured on film, the eye can see the development.  Wow…

….in Russia they use it to photograph the body…and the energy of disease can be captured six months before it manifest.  Or if you photograph a hand after it has been severed from the body, the energy of the hand is still there..still moving.

What made me smile so about this…..was, I felt it the perfect description of anguish.  The soul, the invisible being, is not what it was, nor yet ever what it will be.  The future is there, already in the energy, but you cannot see it, you are not yet that in the physical.  And to me, that is anguish.  A feeling of what you are, but you are not yet that…always becoming!  There is a certain 'anguish' to it .

I smiled a certain feeling…
yes…
anxiety is the disease of the mind.
anguish the disease of the soul…

I found it interesting!

Oh, I wish all a wonderful day!!!!
with love!

O, my Gosh!  Chaitanyo!  What a meditation!!!!…I would enjoy this so much! 

I went into isolation once for three weeks primal therapy…certainly not what you describe, but I felt it was the most wonderful experience of my life! 

Thank you for sharing this!  The last couple of weeks, I have been moving from knowledge to knowing…always remaining only with my energy.  Sometimes it is not easy, because i am leetle bit crazy sometimes (!)….even I think so.  And right when I feel I cannot take this…this being 'me,' suddenly so many changes around me…a flow I have been awaiting.

This Photography is fascinating to me!….since reading that, I have been 'feelling' all day.  Entering another world, just 'feeling' the energy…the becoming and allowing 100 percent 'yes!'…..sensing only, no mind, no thought - just energy!

I read before from Osho about lovers being photographed with this camera, and their aura being blue..the color of the etheric body, the body of love, filling them and the room with a blue color. 

I laughed last week as my son has a 'mood ring' - laughingly he said to me, “Mommy, whenever I get near a girl, the ring turns purple!”….oh, I laughed!…oh, you are my son!…it is natural - I tell him!

What an incredible therapy!…the Mystic Rose! 

http://www.osho.com/Topics/TopicsEng/MysticRose.htm

Thank you, Chaitanyo, for sharing this!…our energy cannot be compared to anybody's and intimately knowing, allowing it..and becoming one is a beautiful spiritual journey.

All my love, Chaitanyo!….and I will laugh much this week..thinking of you!
Cheyenne

oh, and ps…please! don't hold back on the storytelling!…I enjoy your stories so much…always I receive something beautiful!

 O, Janak!  I understand why people shut doors.

In a very true sense of the word, I am 'like' a love and sex addict!…24/7 wanting my fix!   But no one can tell me this is wrong.  That I should drop it.  I would have to drop my whole self…I cannot.  They are asking the impossible!  The problem is not the closed door, or the sex and love…it is that life has not enough joy for me, not enough life!…it can feel so empty to me.  So when in love and sexuality, I feel alive and the beauty is there!..at least for that time, I feel the color, the romance, the connection, the bliss - great joy!  I forget about everything, this world, the next world!….

…..THEN…I must go back to meditation!   I feel it is here that I do not have to beg for it.  With another, I must beg…please, please, play with me…please, love me..play with me.  I get tired of that! (laughing!)…very!  I can get the same feeling from no-mind, meditation.  But one must practice!!!!….And as I become more aware, it is very easy for me to walk off from the door!..who wants to beg at a door like a dog?  I do not. It is humiliating!  I wish to make love to a friend…not a player.  Yet I am compassionate to whoever I love!…I understand.  It is a game somehow.  There is no problem.  Meditation helps me…helps me learn about myself, others, and gives me a far superior experience than the hallucination of love and romance. 

And day by day I am able to chose reality over the dream!  Reality is so much more beautiful!  But first I must come to the point where I am totally fed up, disgusted with begging and running after what I can get easily inside, you know!  It will destroy me if I do not become a master meditator! (laughing!).  But at least the experiences show me a beautiful dream, a possibility that can happen.  Meditation is free!  And all my intelligence tell me…this is the door!!!  this is the Door!  and I know it as the door!  All of my experiences are immensely helpful!  I would not give up ONE of them.  I am more aware than ever before.  I simply keep following my energy!  Always following my energy! 

And when I meet a closed door…I fuss there for a little while…then get up laughing, and move on!  It is sometimes difficult because love and sex opens a door for me that is not easily opened, that seemed closed only moments before.  The only problem is how destructive it can be…when I know a much much more constructive way (smiling!!!!).  This game has gone on since beginningless time!  I am not new-comer!!!!…as a matter of fact, I am as ancient as the game!!!!  And I know the game very very very well.  I think I invented it! (laughing!)…I am like a spider that gets caught in her own web!
 
I am quite rebellious!…and very determined..a little devil really!  and most of all, determined to gain the blessing of love, the blessings of god!  I am not afraid of the bad effects!  It goes deeper in me than the pleasure..and I rush to see where it went.  Smile!  And keep going, my love!…keep going! It is a VERY creative process!  Very creative!

You are such a beautiful boy, Janak!….I enjoyed the video too very much!….it was lovely!

Janak, one day, I would like to speak to you about God….  One day!..(smile!)..

Oh, always all my love, Janak!…Such a beautiful person!…inside and out!
lovingly,
Cheyenne

O, Kahty!!!!….loving you!!!!…..
 
Kathy, the 'idea' of enlightenment to me about 'how' to live is too hard.  You have to carry around a charter jacket.  Like a protection from life.  This enlightenment seems more a security than a truth.  The whole life resisting, acting through character.  I did try it.  Sincerely.  Many years and the result was that I was becoming dull, stupid, mechanical and schizophrenic…a sort of split personality was developing.  Any one could predict my behavior…'she is a good girl.'  “she is always nice…she is holy….'  There seemed to be split between who I was and the 'ideal.'

My first school is Zen.  My father, Bodhidharma!  That is my heart truly.  And from Zen you learn that the ordinary mind is the enlightened mind.  You don't do anything, become anything.  The ordinary world is paradise.  Here and now, everything is there!  At this very moment the world of beauty can open to you.  Everything is young and fresh, alive!  All you need to do is be natural..do not fight with yourself. 

Enlightenment means you realize who YOU are. 

And from my work in psychology and handwriting, personality assessment, I know we are all different.  Sexually centered, heart centered, intellectually centered, externalizers, internalizers, rational type, feeling type, adaptable, uniform….oh, so many combinations.  And each enlightenment will be different. 

For me, enlightenment begins by living by my own values, not buddha's, not jesus's, not shiva's….I can study them. Learn much!  Learn much! They should studied, they show our potential!   But we cannot be them.  You must be you …pure.  purely you.  An enlightened person lives in a different dimension…what I say comes from another dimension - I live without values, no criteria of not wanting, not clinging - I do not want, nor cling - but my words and behavior may look like I do.  Just living…just living without morality….simply said, enlightenment means living without ego. Just live!  An enlightened person simply lives without manipulating anything!  No problem, nowhere to go, nothing whatever to be achieved - except being yourself TOTALLY!   I mean TOTALLY - YOU!  No other Kathy existing ever in the universe!  Be this..seek what it is to be Kathy.  Nothing is bad, nothing is good.  No god, no devil, just life!  Life in it totality!….then everything else disappears! The awareness, meditation, helps one know the difference between the false and the true. And when you are enlightened you appear like a madman to some.  Because you act from such a deep place, it is difficult for other to understand.  They are on the surface, so they can only see the surface.  The enlightened person will give up everything but his truth - his pounding heart - the gift God gave him!…he will lose his body, his respectability, he will die willingly….but he will not give up his truth, his soul.  So the enlightened path, to me, is first finding this truth…it is in YOU…it is not behavior. It is a truth…Then living it!

Yet, yes!  The contradiction is….you are not the body, but the light within it, the flame within it!  The mind and body do not belong to you.  You are the silence within it!…When you come to that you know who you are!  Then you can be both the dance and the silence.  You see yourself…your dancing self, THAT IS WHAT LIFE IS…DANCING - In death, I figure I will have plenty of time in my grave to be dull and stupid -

yet now from the silent self, you can expand to embrace all - dance all - be all…in your own unique way.

Enlightenment, again, is simply realizing who you are.  And that unique experience is bliss!

Sending you all my love, Kathy!  what a beautiful letter you wrote!

with love!

Cheyenne

O, Kathy…..prrrrrrrrrrrrr……bowing deeply to You.  Tears in my eyes also (smiling)…!

You know, Kathy…I have been reflecting from your words…and see how challenging it all is to 'grasp!'….

I had wished to come back and write once more on this because I think I see the question you ask better.

The mind..the ordinary mind does wish to take and take, more and more and more from everywhere it can, every direction and every dimension.  It is a beggar, a taker, it longs and longs.  It cannot be satisfied.  Its hunger is infinite!  It wants what has nothing to do with you!  And we can become obsessed, and this makes us miserable!  The fever is not healthy.  This is an 'ordinary' addiction.  Not what I speak of exactly.

If you resist this, you become a 'practitioner'...you can feel some relief, a little more cheerful…less tortured, yes.  But still the cheerfulness is only surface.  Deep down we are still sad.  There is a quality of sadness.  Yes, we have mastered the 'wants' of the mind, but still we are sad deep down.  The smile is only superficial.  Any moment it could become tears of sadness.  something is still missing.

As you sink deeper within, you sort of leave these two realms and come to a peace, a silence.  I believe you know this peace.  I have read your words, every blog.  And you write of it.  The peace of silence.  It is beyond both practice and non-practice….just silently being.  You drop out of the game completely, resting, indifferent to the world.  There is a quality of silence that surrounds you.  Others can feel it.  But still the 'indifference' is a clinging, you see.

And still beyond even this is where you are beyond no-mind even…then everything is the same!  you are no longer indifferent or clinging…just everything is!  with Champaign Same..as they say in Zen.  Then the whole emphasis is on your own self!  Not on anything in this world!!!  Only on you!  You are totally living inwardly!  Not trying to be indifferent to this or that…to not cling…or to cling.  It is another dimension all together! You neither ask for more or reject what is….your whole reference point comes from within.  you are a universe unto itself!….

There is process…and many ways it can be approached! 

Thank you, Kathy, so much for You….!  your words too were swimming in my soul…as I made protein drinks for breakfast!!! (smile!)….

all my love again!
Cheyenne

Oh, those mystics!  I know!  What can you do but cry? If you have ever been in love with someone, really loved with your whole soul somebody, then you have a taste of what they feel…millions of times greater!…what can you do?  Cry!….dance!…what do you say?  what can be said?  That is the ultimate to me..when you are not any more and the experience itself is singing and vibrating!!…the song of ecstasy!  Ecastay itself singing it!..oh, god, I pray!
 
yes..Janak..silence is good!  so good, yes?  Yet I believe the silence must be alive!  Silence can be a polar experience like someone living in a city and tired of the noise and they decide then to go to the mountains…yes.  They have peace, silence, but still I feel a compromise.  It is not complete in my eyes.  There is still more..more than silence.  There is totality.  To be silent, behind the mind, is a sort of negative experience.  It happens by being indifferent to the mind..a sort of renouncing.  I feel bliss happens not from renunciation…but through the deepest experience of one's own being.  A sort of bloosoming! A totality.

 
I understand it is a journey!  I can be so technical…(laughing!).  Yet silence, to me, is a step!  One that cannot be missed, but it is not everything.  Janak, you will be angry at me…but I do not think it is up to God…I feel it is up to me.  It is helpful to believe in God, but one must go beyond it…. beyond God.  I believe there is life beyond God.  When God even dissolves and you remain at your innermost center of being, you come to a point of consciousness where you were not born - you come to an absolute state of being..you come to your original face…then (!)…then…life begins!  Now..you can live.  without God, without the other. 

and again..I know..we are speaking the same…yet different, yes?

 
right now nobody has their true face..sincerely…we only have opinions.  The 'other', even God - in my opinion (smile!) - has become too important, and our whole energy has become obsessed with the other - always thinking of the other. I know what you are saying, at least I think I do, very much so…yet if you reject something, yourself, and you become unnatural..you have anger inside and you reject yourself because of the moral teachings..for God..and because of the difficulty that anger brings conflict, violence, even against yourself.  There are ways beyond rejection and acceptance both.   
 
I am certainly not saying we don't need the other or need God..and I am not against 'God'….it is the egoist always try to be independent of everything.  And a lot of spirituality to me is trying to be too independent..this is silly.  We are all interconnected..interdependent.
 
To me, Janak, absolutes do not exist here.  Not even God.  Life exists in relativity.  Just allowing things to happen!..you neither ask for more than you get, or give more than can give…consciousness is so vast.  No man is an island.  We are all here together.  When we come deep into communion…then the tears..the utter speechlessness…
 
Thank you, Janak!….
I give you all my love!…and thank you dearly for sharing! I enjoy you so much!
And still…I appreciate deeply your love of God!….I truly do!
lovingly,
cheyenne 

O, Kathy, I adore you!…you must - if you like (smile) - expound upon this experience.

Your words brought to my mind, for example, the difference between me and a love I had once.  OMG, we were stunningly alike.  We knew each other like one knows their in and out breath.  Yet, because of stress, he went one way - I went another.  He spoke to me recently…and I can see, O, he is messed up!!!!…

…and I laughed, because I AM MESSED UP TOO!  But there is a BIG BUT..as you say.  A big difference. A big difference in his messed up..and my messed up.  I have no struggle against my MESSED UP-NESS.  He is trying to fix himself.  I am not trying to fix myself.  I am perfect!…my unperfect-ness is perfect!  I see it like nothing else I see…I will never fit into society - ever.  and any attempt to only destroys my beauty - the beauty of a flower never seen before or ever seen again.

If society didn't exist, would the clinging be a problem?  (I am asking sincerely!  Because I am not certain I understand what you are saying - exactly).

I always ask this…if no one else in the world existed, would what I am doing, feeling, experiencing be a problem…and if the answer is no!  Then I know I am fine!  It is just the ego..and it suffers!  It wishes for its experience, and I am having mine!  The suffering is natural!

I get pummeling too!!!….weekly!  Too me, it is a very real part of becoming centered in truth!…it has its way, yes?  It is a process that only the brave can journey!  Destructive and creative at the same time!  O, my God!…do I go off the deep end!  I have learned to love it as truth!…then suddenly, suddenly, I am more centered than ever!..more capable, more alive! 

I posted this status yesterday as I just exited out of “one of my fits” - I call it!!!…
 
“To pass through a chaos without any center, being in chaos, ultimately throws you down to the center, the real center, the Self. There are many methods for how to go through it, but one must have the courage to be without a center for a period of time.”
 
to me..in my eyes!  You are in the process…enjoy!    We must never be satisfied until we reach sat-chit-ananda!…Until we know absolute bliss, we have not reached home yet (!), we are still traveling!  No problem!  Nothing to be ashamed of!…sometimes we rest by the side of the path…thrown off!  Violently!….No problem.  The journey has to continue.  We have to get up again and we have to move on!….
 
…..having a tremendous love for ourself!
 
yet (laughing!)…I think I understand what you mean…it is a little embarassing, isn't it?….!!!  Not exactly what we expected!  (smiling!)…
 
oh, with love!
Cheyenne

Oh, Kathy!  I know this…this that you say….

Yes, sincerely, I know what you are saying…distractions are there…we lose our consciousness again and again.  We are meditating, one with the tomato, and a thought comes and immediately we have forgotten ourself, we follow the thought. We have gotten involved in it.  We would be enlightened if only we could conquer distractions!  Yes? 

So what do we do?  Only one thing we can do…!  Only one!  When a thought comes, remain a witness.  Look at it, observe it, allow it to pass through your being, don't get attached to it in any way - for - or against!!!…Even if it is a very bad thought…”I want to stab this tomatoe.”  Or a beautiful thought..”I am enlightened.”  don't push it away . do not say “this is bad..this is good.”  The moment you think something, say something about the thought..you have become attached, distracted.  Now this thought will lead you to the computer, to stabbing tomatoes, to self-absorption.  Good, bad, indifferent…we remain a witness.

And still in the beginning EVERYBODY many many many many times gets distracted!  There's no problem.  If you are distracted, be distracted.  Don't worry!  Because THEN the worry becomes a distraction!  The worry becomes an obsession.  Be distracted!  Be a witness to the distraction!…it is all the same!  The witness is what's important!  It is okay.   Do not create any dualism around it.  Do not reflect “good or bad.”  Accept it!  Even with distractions you don't create a conflict!   No need to say “this is bad.”  no need to get depressed, frustrated that we have become distracted again!  Nothing wrong whatsoever in distraction! 

If we enjoy it, less and less it will happen!   And a day does come (!!!!!)..it does!!! when there is no distraction.  But you did not force it.  You did not bring this on because of your ability not to be distracted…no. Because the more you resist, the more the distractions get pushed down into your unconscious…so no.  It will happen because you kept allowing the distractions.  EVERYTHING is holy.  Even the distraction.

You may not even be aware of why it is necessary - why fight?  Somehow what you are distracted by is needed.  If you feel good about it, then you are on the highest path possible.  what could be higher?

and do know what i think…tomatoes will always be here.  Right now we have each other…why not run to the computer to see if there is another moment of connection…..?  I think it is beautiful.  We are like children!  Loving and playing!

I love connection too….and in this world the internet has become as real of a way to connect as being in person. 
 
I will tell you something! (smiling)…I would come to you over tomatoes any day!  Enlightened or not! (lovingly you..teasing..sort of!)

ALL MY LOVE!!!
Dear Kathy!
Cheyenne

O, Janak!  You are so adorable!  I wish to tell you I so enjoyed your letter! 

I must come back to it, as I have company right now!!!

But YES (!)…you know I have something to say!!!  Especially to YOU!!!

Until then…sending you all my love!
Cheyenne

OH, Janak!  I ENJOY so much the music you share!…Oh, I feel I could learn so much from you about music!….always I am eager to open the songs you share!!!

Now…what if there is God?  Hmmm…I would whisper in his ear “take me somewhere we can be alone….take me somewhere I can call my home.”

I would dance for him, that which he put in me…see if there is friction for growth!….and pray inside he is my type! (laughing!)….'take me somewhere we can be alone!…lately I've been losing on my own.”

Janak!  Let's lay a bet!  yes?  you and I!  I bet there is no God.  “He” is an excuse to surrender!  That is all!  Everyone I love is an excuse to surrender!  I can surrender to a lover, to God, to a rock!…God is best excuse possible to surrender.  If you can believe, then you surrender.  God is Love!  If you can love, then you surrender. 

I also challenge you!  You ask what if there is a god….I ask…what if there isn't! (smile!)  Then what will you do?  How will you surrender?  Tell me!  It will be difficult - because we do not have love in our heart.  So we project a god to help surrender.  God is a method.  There is no one there to take your surrender…!  That's the joy!  That's the mystery!  The utter profundity!

If there is a God I must surrender to, it is ugly…like a bondage, slavery.  I used to resist it like nothing else…asking, 'why should I surrender to someone?'….what?  am I a dog?  A begger?  It is subtle, but I have considered deeply!

I have chosen Love as my God!   I have chosen YOU!

big smile!….My Janak!!!
and all my love!
Cheyenne

Kisses to you, Chi!….what words!!!!

It makes me laugh so much….a mystery, a joy, that as soon as desiring stops, the divine happens!…love happens!  So deeply it hurts!  Suddenly I look out of my eyes and the divine is everywhere!  In every contradiction!  Just doing nothing.

The whole world divine, only my eyes were blinded by cravings!…causing another perception that brought tears of frustration.

Oh, that is beautiful, Chi.  When there is no ego, you become one with existence and that oneness is freedom.  Salvation.  Eternal. The ego gives a false feeling of separation from existence.  We've never been separate. It is the fight against existence that gives us the ego. 

Relax…I must always tell myself this…shhhhh.  It is okay.  Don't fight.  Personally, I seem to enjoy a good fight until I am against a wall and I cannot move.  Surrender has to be forced unto me…on the verge of dying, and suddenly laughter!  I was bringing all my trouble upon myself!

I seem to enjoy a good laugh!…

Chi!!!….Thank you so much for your words!
a sincere hug and love!!
Cheyenne

I feel God, Janak, as my 'aloneness'….

Literally, I feel like I walk the earth like an animal.  Alone.  Alone…no God..but God everywhere.  He is my aloneness…my breath, my constant companion.  Alone…every breath fills me as one, alone, full, undivided…free.  Alone I feel no judgement…..Just the joy of being.  So you are right when you say “you don't want there to be a god.'  No..I do not.  I enjoy being alone..one.  So close, so intimate…so pentrating this alone-ness.  A lover.

And..Don't tease me with the Devil.  I have a crush on him.  Actually, I love him!  I don't like to tell him this because he is always busy.  I love the journeys he takes me on.  Into the lower fields of potential and unmanifested desire. The higher is hidden in the lower– God is hidden in the Devil.  I seek his attention, his love.  He is not to be distroyed or denied, but embraced - fully!  Transformed.  The Devil then takes me on a ride..upward to God. 

I've only met God when I was being a Devil!…sincerely!  God is hidden in the Devil's heart!

Oh, Janak, you did it again with the beautiful music!!!  Thank you!!!

YES!!!  Anything goes (!) (smile!)….when you are so in love with love!..yes!

yes!

you are fantastic, Janak!  Definitley I call you LOVE!

with love!!!!
Cheyenne

I hope you are resting well, Janak.  I'm sorry to hear you have a headache.

This is nature calling you, yes? …saying “Come back to me.  You have gone too far away.”  We sacrifice so much against nature….it is our freedom to do so.  To work all nite, to work endlessly against nature.  Many diseases happen because we simply do not listen, do not remain close to nature.

As you say, sometimes we can eat too much - that is our freedom!  And sometimes you can fast - that is also our freedom.  We are the only animal in the world that has this freedom! This dignity to choose our life!

Certainly, Janak, I feel it is a gift to be close to nature - to be natural.  I also feel the challenge of science, of production and advancements..being met by spiritual and emotional-social advancements.   It is the American Way to rush after money, lose sleep because of work, become neurotic, bursting…ill in every way because we have gone so far from nature.

You rest!…restore your energy, hmmmm!  May you have the energy of Mahavir!

I hope to see Africa someday!  My best friend lives there!  She is actually German…but their family moved to Africa.  !!!  I hope to see it someday!

With love…and rest!
Cheyenne

Janak!!!!!!!!….Oh!  So perfect!  I enjoy this sound to my bones….

Love.
Devotion..
Feeling…
Emotion….

Look to your heart, it will be the return to yourself, the return to innocence!

The chanting…is beautiful! 

It is now 2:20 a.m.  Practice is starting, dance shall begin, love, devotion, feeling, emotion…all a prayer, a deep pounding, throbbing prayer to return to innocence!  Penetrating to the meaning behind all words, all sound, all movement! Creating the upward flow with awareness, with worship, with love, devotion, feeling, emotion!

Don't give up and use the chance - just follow your own way!

Don't care what people say!….

Play!  Play is a different dimension - altogether different!  That's why it is said the world is not a creation of the divine but leela, a play of the divine.  Creation sounds like work to me (laughing!).  uh, another creation..uh!..

O.. with your love, your music, I invoke the divine - love, devotion, feeling, emotion - creating a situation for the divine to flow, come down - the purity of heart!

Be as Children!

Lovingly!
So joyful today!
Thank YOU, Janak…to awake to your music!
with love!
Cheyenne

Thank you….!

and You are Welcome, Janak!

Jai Sat-Chit-Anand..

Your true home is the infinite consciousness, creator of worlds.

Your true home is the faultless Sat-Chit-Ananda.

Stillness speaks…

lovingly,
Cheyenne

Ah!  Thank you, Jane!  This is my third son! 

He's like an angel to me…with a devilish smile and wild eyes! 

Thank you so much!
lovingly,
Cheyenne